I was raised by my parents to believe that I am good looking. Hell, beautiful. I can't really blame them, they are my parents after all and to a parent there is nobody more beautiful than their kid. This holds true with my parents. They said that I am good looking and, well, smart. The last is true, I think, based on the evidence they saw on my report card from grade to high school. College class cards were a bit shameful, lol. The first is debatable if you ask another person's opinion about it, lol.

I may have had insecurities when I was growing up but it was never because of my looks. It has more to do with my height and weight. When I was in college my close friends used to berate me for believing I am good looking. I can't really blame them. Although I did not brag and tell it outright to people, they were amazed with the confidence I had about my looks They used to call me conceited and they got irritated when I only laugh when they made fun of me. They probably thought I will cry or deflate in front of them with the insults. No, sir! I was not raised that way at all. Blame my parents but do not blame me. I am thankful they raised me that way because it helped boost my confidence then and made college life away from them more bearable. When I confront my parents about it now my father says that he couldn't have told me before that I have a face only a mother can love. He is a meanie, lol.

I have a number of blogs. About half are on free hosted platform while the other half are hosted by a generous friend. She has her own web hosting account she purchased a couple of months ago and she is generously hosting my blogs for free. It has been doing good ever since she hosted my blogs but now she is encountering troubles with her account. There are times that the blogs under her own hosting account will not open. She has reached technical support for help but they were evasive with their answers. She was not given any definite reasons why her server goes down a couple of times a day on most days. I feel sorry for her and guilty since I have a few blogs in her account and what if my blogs are the reason why she has trouble with her account? I have had a plan of getting my own web hosting account but it seems so complicated to me. And of course money is a problem as well. And time management and maintenance. Every time I think about hosting my own blogs I am overwhelmed with these problems. How I long for the knowledge so I can host my own blogs. I am a coward I know. But maybe someday I will have enough courage to do this. I feel ashamed for putting all the burden on my friend's shoulder but I don't have much of a choice right now. Perhaps when I browse at web hosting bluebook I will find some answers to my questions and maybe I will be able to decide as well what I need to do in the future.

Because I am craving for something I don't even know, I am here cooking a filipino dish that I hope will stop the craving once I start eating it. That is if I spiced it up good and cooked it the way it should be. I was talking to an online friend and somehow, knowing that I am not alone in this cravings make me feel normal again. I thought I am going crazy here. Although I have been here almost three years and I have adapted a little to the culture, my choice of food is still asian. There was a time that I wanted to go to the Chinese buffet almost every weekend just to get a taste of the elusive Asian flavor. I must say the Chinese restaurants here could not compare to the ones I have been into in Manila. There was not that much oil and spices that I remember because the food was cooked for Filipinos to enjoy. And everything was fresh and mouth watering. I have stopped going to the buffet a few months ago because the last time I did I got sick with the strong aroma and the abundance of oil. Where are the steamed food? I wonder. I hope I will learn to cook more asian dish that I like particularly Filipino recipes. If I can't get the food I want on restaurants then I have to cook some for myself.

When my father's younger brother got married, everybody was involved in the wedding preparations. It was a major family affair because he is the youngest and was the last in the family to get married. Elaborate wedding invitations were distributed to the sponsors and the people who were invited to attend the wedding. The bride's dress was ordered from the city and it was made of silk and expensive beads. I still remember the festive mood of the week prior to the wedding. It was not catered because in the province where I came from, it was the groom's family's obligation to host the ceremony and I must say we did pretty good.

The newlyweds were bombarded with wedding cards along with tons of presents from the attendees. It made me think now about getting married in the Philippines again just for the presents and the food, lol. It is customary for people who are invited to the wedding to bring gifts, mostly household items for the couple  so they don't have to buy anything when they start their own family. I told the husband that I will include a note on our invitation to let people know that we are accepting cash instead of the usual trinkets. He laughed so hard saying I am mean for commercializing our wedding even in the planning stage yet. We will see. I already have a vision on how the wedding stationary will look like on our future Philippine wedding.

I feel like crazy here. I am so hungry but I am dreading meal time for the reason that I will be eating the same food I have been eating for days now. Not that it is the same recipe but the taste is the same and my taste buds are wanting something else. I racked my brain on what to fix to eat because I can't go on without eating or else I will get sick. If my ulcer starts acting up again I will be in trouble. I need ideas. I want to fix escabeche but I don't have ginger and  red pepper. How I wish there is a Filipino restaurant within walking distance where I am at. Or a turo-turo with my favorite food. I am dreaming again.